Late night head full of thoughts.

 These late nights are getting old, the same thoughts circling round and round in my mind keeping me up all night sometimes. I have learned that although the physical pain of misscarrying goes away, the emotional pain however.... It stays with you. It has almost been a year since that horrible morning, and the emotional pain is still here. I can't help but to wonder what he or she would of looked like, or how it would feel to be up right now feeding him or her rather than up, empty handed and heavy hearted. 

Our angel baby will always live within me, in my heart and in my mind. I often have dreams of a beautiful baby girl, with big brown eyes, long eye lashes, thick dark hair, tannish skin, the cutest little nose and pink lips. 💕🙏👶 I like to think maybe that's what she would have looked like, had I carried full term and gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby.

  I was due June 2nd, 2014. Our baby would have been 2 months old already. 💕  

People constantly tell me that we weren't ready, and that's why I lost that baby.... I don't even think any of the people who say that, understand how much it hurts to hear that and how angry it makes me sometimes. I don't believe that, I do not know why this happened to me, so I don't expect you to know either. 

      I'll never forget how I felt that morning at the hospital, after the doctors told me I misscarried. Besides the overwhelming sadness that took over my entire body, a huge part of me felt like a failure. My body failed at something it's "supposed" to be able to do. I was so ashamed to tell our family and friends, I felt as if I let so many people down. Having the happiness ripped away from my husband and myself was one thing.... But having to face reality and tell our family whom were so beyond excited and happy as well, was hard on it's own. I didn't really even want to talk about it much at first, I just held it all in.... But that made me angry for a very long time. Holding in things you need to let out is really bad for you. Venting now, helps so much. It's such a release. 

A part of me feels that our time is coming, I have a gut feeling we will be blessed with good news soon. I know not to get my hopes up, but when you want something as badly as we want this.... It's quite hard. 

I just know we will be such good, loving parents. 💕 

Sticky baby dust our way would be greatly appreciated. 🙏👶