Why today is sooooo special. ♡

  To everyone that has been following my blog and our journey to conceive baby Alvarado.... 

IT HAPPENED. We are finallllllly expecting our rainbow baby. 

   I went to the store today to buy a razor and as I passed all the pregnancy tests something told me to buy one.... I just had a feeling. For some odd reason I was nervous from the moment I picked up that pink box. The entire ride home from the store I was telling myself "why did you buy that thing, it's only going to hurt when it says negative" 

   I got home, and went straight into the bathroom.... Peed on that stick and set it down... Before I knew it the first line appeared and my heart started beating so fast. ♡ I picked up the test and there it was, TWO LINES and the first line was just so BOLD. 

  Unlike last time, the first time I was pregnant the first line was very faint. To me, this is a sign that this time it's going to stick. It's really really happening. ♡

I then got into the car and drove to my husbands job, called him and asked him to come outside. I made up some story about needing something really quick. He saw the huge smile on my face and asked me what was up, I handed him the pregnancy test and he smiled so big, we are both so overwhelmed with happiness. 

The timing just seems right, not only did we find out we are expecting this baby on SHANIA TWAIN's birthday, but with the two recent losses in my family, "a life lost is a life gained".  I have been praying to my Pop every night, and there's no doubt in my mind he is watching over us. 

I am going to the doctor tomorrow morning, thank you again! 

Pregnancy brain.

Well guys, I have managed to think too much into every little thing I have been noticing the last few weeks.

   Let me explain, (you are being warned that I am holding nothing back and you might not want to read what I have to say) I'm supposed to get my period next week and I have noticed some things that are out of the norm for me. My nipples have been so itchy and even a little sore, my boobs are killllllling me.... Yes I know this happens before a period, buttttt normally for me it doesn't happen until the day before my period not the week before, I feel as if my sense of smell is heightened, alllllllllllthough that could be the fact that I'm also not used to my nose not being clogged 100% of the day, I have had what seems to be heartburn a few times this week in the morning and when I lay down to go to sleep,  I have been kind of gassy which is wayyyyy out of the norm for me, also I have been getting frequent headaches and slight cramps for a good few days now. 

   I know, I know all of those things could mean anything but of course my hopes are up that I really might be pregnant. 🙏

I guess as of now, I'm just waiting to see if my period comes or not.... And I know that when it does I'm going to be completely devastated, BUT we will keep trying. 🙏 

Please please please pray for us in our journey to conceive baby Alvarado. 🙏👶

Always hoping this is the month. 

   

G r i e f.

  To those who have never experienced grief, it is just a five letter word... This past month has been a tough one. 

    During my vacation home, my great grandfather (my Pop) ended up in the hospital with bronchitis. After only one day there he was moved to the ICU.... This all happened so quickly, I spent as much time at his bed side as I could. Talking to him, holding his hand, and comforting my family. It was so hard to see him hooked up to so many machines. The day came where the decision was made to take him off of life support because that's not how he would want to be living... It was a hard decision but it was the right decision. The doctors weren't sure how long he would live off of the life support, their job now was to keep him as comfortable as possible. All of us at the hospital, they removed all the tubes and wires... I was headed back to California later that day. My time to say "goodbye" came all too quickly. What do you say to someone you love sooooo very much, knowing you'll never get to see them again? 

   My thoughts were all over the place. I walked into room 244, his room.... Alone, I grabbed his cold hand and I just looked at him, his eyes closed, his face unshaven and his hair even a little messy... He did not look like the Pop I always knew. I couldn't help but to think that he would be somewhat annoyed had he known his hair wasn't combed as it always is and his face wasn't shaved.

    After a few seconds, I opened my mouth and words started to come out. I told him how much I loved him, how much I have always looked up to him. I told him that I hated to see him like this, and that it was okay to let go... I assured him my grandmother (his daughter) would be okay. After I said that, his eyes opened and he was looking right into my eyes. Trying to hold my tears back, I continued to tell him that he was one of the most amazing men I have ever known and how fortunate I was to have had him in my life. I apologized to him for not giving him the chance to meet any great great grand children from me, that's one thing he was looking forward to. He always promised to be there and take their first pictures whenever that time has come. That was something special between us. I then told him I had to leave, that I was going back to Calofornia and I started to cry. I didn't want to leave his side. He was still looking into my eyes and then he squeezed my hand. I know that was him telling me it was okay to go home. I just knew. 

   I kissed him on the forehead, squeezed his hand one last time, and as I left the last thing I ever said to him was "to the moon and back, remember?" 

I'll never forget those words. 

I walked out of his room, only to have trouble breathing and go into an anxiety attack. My grandmother ran over to me as I collapsed to the floor. She just held me as we cried together. The pain I felt in that moment was unreal. 

I said my goodbyes to my family, and I was on my way home to California. I landed around 11:30pm Cali time. 

I got home and that night, my husband woke me up because he said I was breathing really fast. The strangest thing had happened, I was dreaming about my pop, it felt so real. He was there, in the room talking to me telling me he was okay. I believe he came to see me. 

The next morning I called my mother to ask how my Pop was doing, and I could tell in her voice something was wrong. 

She then explained to me that at 2:32am (Florida time) my Pop had passed away in his sleep. Which is 11:32pm Cali time. I like to believe he waited until I landed safely, to pass on. 

I didn't want to believe this was real. The tears came rolling down my face, and the pain was back. 

    It has been one month today, since he has left us. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about him. 

    To make things worse, I woke up yesterday to the news that my grandfather (my grandmother's husband) had passed away.... My grandmother in in New Jersey for my Pops (big) service, my grandfather stayed home because he was recovering from surgery the week before. My dad went to check on him and found him in his bed, he had a heart attack. 

   Hearing that, my heart dropped. Tears rolled down my face. I couldn't believe this was happening. My poor grandmother. First her father, now her husband. My heart is broken. My family is depressed, this was so unexpected. 

   Stanley will be missed greatly, he was a great man and treated my grandmother like a queen. 

Our hearts are quite heavy and our minds are quite jumbled. 

Please keep my family in your prayers through this hard time. 

It seems grief is something we can't get away from right now. 

RIP Pop, July 23, 2014

RIP Stan, August 22, 2014. 

You two will be missed deeply. I love you both. 

Keep on keepin' on, even if it breaks your heart.

 

        To every woman that has ever experienced pregnancy, infant, or child loss, my heart goes out to you. The pain we feel, nobody can quite understand unless they have experienced what we have. It all starts when you notice you have missed your period, and you don't feel too great.... You head to the store and buy one of those pink boxes... You pee on that stick, set it down somewhere and step away for a minute. Anxiously waiting to see what it will say, you pick it up and BOOM those two lines are there as bold as ever. At first, you might be shocked but the happiness that takes over your entire body is stronger than any other happiness you have ever felt in your entire life. You take another test, and another and another because you don't think this is real, you're PREGNANT. Life has started to form inside of your own body. The thought alone is beautiful. You then share the news with your spouse, or that special someone. I'm sure they're just as shocked as you at first, maybe even more... but happiness takes over their body as well. Then, you have to make an appointment with your doctor to "confirm" your pregnancy, because 7 at home tests just "isn't" enough, right? Appointment day rolls around, and you're as happy as ever and even a little nervous. The nurse calls your name, they ask you a few questions and have you pee in a cup... A few minutes later, the doctor comes back in and says "you're pregnant!" and all of a sudden, its really real. Then there is more questions and blood work to make sure everything is okay. They send you home on your merry way, you leave smiling ear to ear. The thought of everything that is about to happen, the way your life is about to change, it is all very exciting. From that very moment of finding out you are pregnant, you are bonded with the little life that is growing inside of you.
   Now imagine one day, waking up and that happiness.. that little life you are growing, is gone. Just like that. in the blink of eye, worst of all there's no real answer as to why this happened... Imagine that. The pain that takes over your entire body, mind and soul is unbearable.

    Why this ever has to happen to anybody, I will never understand. No loss is too small, they all hurt... whether you carried full term, a few weeks, delivered and lost as an infant, or a child of any age. A loss is a loss.

I just want you all to know that you're not alone. 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Talk about it, and never give up. Talk, even when you feel nobody is listening. Always keep trying, you'll cry along the way... but the longer the wait, the sweeter the blessing. To all of you ladies out there who are trying and nothing seems to be working, keep faith. Tell yourself that you will be pregnant one day, you will have a beautiful, healthy baby one day. Something as precious as a baby, a being that you and your partner make, someone that grows from within yourself is worth trying for, forever. As long as it takes.


You are not alone, your angel baby lives within you. In your heart, and in your mind. You carry them wherever you go.

I do this to myself.

   I don't even know where to begin.... As it gets further into the month, and my cycle..... I have got the idea in my head that I think this month might be THE MONTH. I know I shouldn't do that, but I can't even help it at this point. 

    Trying to remain patient, has to be the toughest thing in this situation. The waiting game, time seems to feel as if it goes so slow. I feel this is the situation where the whole "expect the worst, but hope for the best" saying is completely relevant. I should expect to get my period as usual, but hope to miss it I guess. At this point, only time can really tell. 

I feel as if a part of me will only feel heart broken when that time comes and I actually do get my period. I also know that I will be okay, because we will never stop trying. 💕💏 one day I will be pregnant, and we will have a beautiful, healthy baby. Our time will come. I can only pray that it comes soon. 

  Yesterday, hubs and I were watching a movie and had his arm wrapped around me as I laid on his chest... His hand was on my stomach and he kissed my forhead, looked at his hand and pulled it up a little above my stomach and told me "one day your stomach is going to be this big, we will have our baby." The smile that grew on my face was literally from ear to ear.  When you want something this bad, the wait literally feels like forever. In the mean time we're just having fun, we don't to try so hard that it becomes frustrating or something like a chore. 

 The journey to conceive baby Alvarado continues. 🙏👶 

Late night head full of thoughts.

 These late nights are getting old, the same thoughts circling round and round in my mind keeping me up all night sometimes. I have learned that although the physical pain of misscarrying goes away, the emotional pain however.... It stays with you. It has almost been a year since that horrible morning, and the emotional pain is still here. I can't help but to wonder what he or she would of looked like, or how it would feel to be up right now feeding him or her rather than up, empty handed and heavy hearted. 

Our angel baby will always live within me, in my heart and in my mind. I often have dreams of a beautiful baby girl, with big brown eyes, long eye lashes, thick dark hair, tannish skin, the cutest little nose and pink lips. 💕🙏👶 I like to think maybe that's what she would have looked like, had I carried full term and gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby.

  I was due June 2nd, 2014. Our baby would have been 2 months old already. 💕  

People constantly tell me that we weren't ready, and that's why I lost that baby.... I don't even think any of the people who say that, understand how much it hurts to hear that and how angry it makes me sometimes. I don't believe that, I do not know why this happened to me, so I don't expect you to know either. 

      I'll never forget how I felt that morning at the hospital, after the doctors told me I misscarried. Besides the overwhelming sadness that took over my entire body, a huge part of me felt like a failure. My body failed at something it's "supposed" to be able to do. I was so ashamed to tell our family and friends, I felt as if I let so many people down. Having the happiness ripped away from my husband and myself was one thing.... But having to face reality and tell our family whom were so beyond excited and happy as well, was hard on it's own. I didn't really even want to talk about it much at first, I just held it all in.... But that made me angry for a very long time. Holding in things you need to let out is really bad for you. Venting now, helps so much. It's such a release. 

A part of me feels that our time is coming, I have a gut feeling we will be blessed with good news soon. I know not to get my hopes up, but when you want something as badly as we want this.... It's quite hard. 

I just know we will be such good, loving parents. 💕 

Sticky baby dust our way would be greatly appreciated. 🙏👶

Update on the making of Baby Alvarado. 💕

I figured I would keep y'all updated on our journey to conceive baby Alvarado. <3 TMI, but I'm holding nothing back. Currently I am in my fertile window, so we're hoping it might happen this month. I know not to get my hopes up, but we are just having fun and whatever happeneds happeneds. <3 I know that dreadful day I do get my period, I'll probably cry, but I know one day it's bound to happen for us. 

 Please keep us in your thoughts, send some baby dust our way <3 

I'm trying my hardest to stay positive throughout this whole thing. I can't help but to think how different our lives would be right now had we brought our baby home on June 2, 2014 like we were supposed to be. Everything happens for a reason though, I may not know what that reason is, but I know our time will come. <3 

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read what I have to share, this means sooo very much to me. <3 

3 years 11 months....

4 cars, 3 homes, 2 kittens and 2 dogs later we are only one month away from celebrating our 4th year married. Funny, our first car together was an Altima, got rid of it for a Kia something I forgot, then got rid of that for a Kia soul and currently have an Altima again. Oh how things change. I remember our first home together, it was small and we didn't have much.... But we were happy. Our second home was a little bigger and being a little more established it was nicer, and our third home the one we currently live in is my favorite so far. I know there will be many more homes to come because of his job, but that's okay with me. Ohhhh our first kitten, Meeko... He was the sweetest most loving little guy ever. Unfortunately when I moved home to Florida to my parents, I was unable to being Meeko and had found him a wonderful, loving new home here in 29 palms. We miss him so much. Currently, we just got a new kitten, she is 7 weeks old and we named her Nilla. She is soooo cute, fluffy and cuddly. She stole our hearts already. When we lived in our first home, after a few weeks we got our first dog together, and names him KINKO. He is so cuuuuute, he stole our hearts right away. Being the first ever dog Pablo has ever had they will always share that bond. Well, we noticed my allergies were getting worse and worse around KINKO, we tried different medicines but nothing worked.... I was moving home for hubs deployment and shortly before that, KINKO had bit a 2 year old girl in the face while I was babysitting... That scared me because my brother was 2 at the time. We did not want to risk him biting my brother, my inlaws agreed to take KINKO. Which made us very happy, he is so loved there and we still get to see our little baby. Bane, where do I begin? We got a new dog after my husband's deployment... A dog with much shorter hair for my allergies. He was so smart and full of life. Unfortunately, the day my husband brought Bane to the vet for his Parvo shot.... They informed us he already had Parvo.... We chose to hospitalize him in hopes of saving his life but after a week and him not getting any better, we had to put him down. Our hearts still hurt for our little Bane. 

   It's crazy how things change, how fast time goes by. My husband and I have been through everything meant to break us, and always come out stronger. Our crazy, beautiful life has really just begun.... In one month, we will be checking into a nice hotel and spending our anniversary together.... Very much looking forward to everything else in store for us in the years to come. 💕

From the best day of my life, to the worst in the blink of an eye.

The day I found out I was pregnant was one of the happiest days of my life, I cannot even express in words the happiness that took over my entire body. My husband and I were going to be PARENTS. Our family was just as happy for us... Unfortunately, October 2, 2013 I woke up very early with extreme back pain, and horrible cramps. I went to the bathroom and started bleeding. I knew what was happening but I did not want to believe that it was really happening. I arrived at the hospital and doctors rushed me in to be examined. Test after test, ultrasounds and pelvic exams the doctor left, only to come back and tell me that this nightmare was real, tears running down my face. I had a miscarriage. A piece of me died that morning. 

The me that was overwhelmed with happiness had now become filled with sadness. Such a dark, empty feeling. I was hollow. Months went by and I couldn't help but to wonder what our baby would have looked like, what it would of been like to hold our baby for the first time, who's eyes, hair, lips would our baby of had? And so on.... As what would of been my due date got closer and closer I grew sadder and sadder knowing we wouldn't be bringing home our beautiful baby that day. 

The physical pain I experienced that morning was borderline unbareable, but it went away... The emotional pain however, I feel I will always carry that pain within myself. 

With the support of my family, friends and my husband I am doing much better. 

It's almost been a year, and recently my husband and I have started trying to get pregnant again. We have the upmost faith within our hearts that our time will come, hopefully soon. 

Hello, hello. 💕

I'm quite new to this, so let me start by introducing myself. My name is Heather Alvarado, I am married to Pablo for almost 4 years. We got married when I was 18 and him 19.... True love still does exist. I'm starting this blog to vent and share our story.