As time goes by...

As the days go by, and my body is seemingly back to "normal" I am learning to understand that this wasn't my fault. I can't change what happened, so I am looking forward to what can, and will happen. I've come to realize that I don't think I am really ready to try again right away like we planned. Emotionally, I am not ready to even have a chance of going through this again. Our time will come, right now is not the right time and I'm proud of myself for being able to admit that. Good things come to those who wait. 

One day, our rainbow will come. <3 

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who checked in with us, sent their kind worlds, and truly care about us. We appreciate all of you <3 

We're not giving up. 

Grieving, finding comfort in the sky.

There is no "right" way to grieve. 

Grief is a personal experience, grief is something someone must go through in their own way. The loss of someone you love is not something you will ever get over, it is something you will get through. 

My husband and I are taking each day as it comes, I can't lie and say how we're fine.... When really, we're not. We have lost yet, another child. Although we have never got to meet our babies we love them as much as any parent who has been fortunate enough to meet their children.. They are still and will forever be our babies. Our little angels up above. We will try again soon, and keep trying until that magical day we get to bring home a healthy baby. 

For now, we find comfort in the sky. The Suns rays that warm our bodies are our angels hugging their mommy and daddy. The stars shining down are our babies smiling down at us, and the moon lighting the night sky is our babies reminding mommy and daddy that they are with us wherever we go. 

We love you both so much. 

If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

   I don't even know where to begin, I must warn you this post is going to be very detailed.... Letting it out helps me. 

Sunday night, we got home from a day at the mall... I had been slightly cramping throughout the day but I figured it was just my uturus stretching some more for the growing baby inside of it. I went to the restroom and started to bleed, it was a very small amount of blood but it was dark red which is what scared me. I freaked out, immediately my heart shattered and I yelled for Pablo. 

   

   He calmed me down, and we were on our way to the emergency room. We got there and they took us in quite quickly. My heart rate was high given my nerves were shot. First they took my blood to run some tests, then gave me a pelvic exam, which seemed promising. The doctor explained that so far, everything looked fine.... We got a little hopeful. 

   We then waited, as I received an IV for fluids. We waited some more, they then took me to ultrasound where they performed an external and and internal one. I got a horrible feeling during the ultrasounds... My gut was telling me something was wrong. 

They took me back to my room, and we waited what seemed to be the longest 20 minutes of our lives. The doctor came in and my heart was pounding, my palms were sweaty and I was shakey. He looked down, then looked at us and told us he was so sorry... That my HCG level was at 4,000 which was extremely low for 10 1/2 weeks pregnant and that my ultrasound showed the baby not measuring where it should of been. A month ago, my HCG level was at 25,744.... When I told him that, he explained to me that for it to drop that low he was sure I would miscarry within the week. I basically felt as if we were sent home to wait to lose our baby. I couldn't stop crying, and it felt so had to breathe. That night, we barely got any sleep. The next day came, and I couldn't help but feel so upset. I had no facial expressions, I just kind of sat there at watched TV, drank lots of water in hope of a miracle happening. Later that evening the cramping came back, they were pretty intense. Then the bleeding started again, and I just cried. I knew what was happening. My lower back started to hurt so bad, it was as if nothing was relieving me of pain. My stomach got really low, and was rock hard. I just cried and cried and cried. The pain got unbearable. A few hours passed, the bleeding hadn't stopped but then.... I felt pressure in my lower stomach, I went to the bathroom and started to cry, I pushed really hard and it happened, immediately after I passed everything the physical pain seemed to almost of disappeared. The cramps that had just seemed unbearable were at a minimum pain level. I passed several HUGE blood clots and in all of that also our little baby. My heart sank into my stomach. The emotional pain is so bad. I feel slightly traumatized from what I experienced last night. My hert literally hurts, and I just feel empty. 

My husband is just as heart broken and hurt as I am, but he is being the "strong one". He has been amazing through all of this and I am so thankful to have him by my side. We will get through this together. We both grew such love for this baby, we both got so attached. We can't believe this is real. We both just want to wake up from a terrible nightmare and have our baby back. 

we are filled with grief. Our second angel is now in heaven watching over us. 

My doctors are going to give me blood tests every Tuesday until my HCG level is down to zero. Then we are going to see a fertility doctor, they'll run tests and we'll figure out what's going on. They said the good news is that we can GET pregnant, we just need to be able to STAY pregnant. 

We will never lose hope, we will never forget our babies. One day, we will have a healthy baby. 

9 1/2 weeks.

So far, so good. 😍 

I am 9 1/2 weeks pregnant, and as happy as I could possibly ever be. We have our first ultrasound appointment made for this month, WE CAN'T WAIT. 

So far, I am super bloated.... Hungry alllllllll the time, I guess morning sickness is different for everyone and the morning sickeness I experience consists of feeling like complete crap and super nauseas every morning for about 30-40 minutes... I've been super moody lately and well, for the most part it's nothing too bad. 

I have a feeling we're having a boy, the Chinese calendar says girl... And I've looked at a bunch of old wives tales and those are 50/50. <3 

Not tooooo much longer until we can find out. 

But a weeeee raspberry.

   Baby Alvarado update! 

Everything is going great, baby is measuring 7 weeks TODAY! We have a new due date, May 7, 2015 which happens to be my daddy's birthday!

Baby Alvarado is the size of a raspberry this week and has a healthy heartbeat of 96 beautiful beats per minute. I cannot even begin to describe how beyond happy we are! 

Let's see, so far I am craving lettuce (with a little red wine vinegar) have some heartburn every now and again, NO MORNING SICKNESS (I feel lucky) suuuuuuper bloated, tired alllllll the time, hungry often and over all HAPPY.  

Short post today, will post more as the weeks keep coming! 

Thanks again for the prayers, and congratulations! The Alvarado's are so thankful, and so happy. 

From one side, to the other.

              Being as I myself have experienced pregnancy loss, I know the heartache.... And now experiencing so far a healthy pregnancy I know the pure happiness and joy of waking up every day knowing a little life is forming inside of my own body. 

   My heart truly goes out to every woman who has experience pregnancy, infant, child loss and most definitely to those women who cannot have children of their own. I feel every woman should get to experience ce something as beautiful as pregnancy, giving birth and raising a child. 

To those women trying to conceive, my advice to you is never to give up. Always hope that this month is THE MONTH....something as beautiful as a life is worth trying for, forever. 

  I know the disappointment of trying and it not happening right away, but remember there's always next month to look forward to. 

I truly wish such things as miscarriages, stillbirths, and infertility didn't exist. I just wish everyone had the chance to experience this. It hurts me heart to know so many women cannot. 

   I strongly suggest talking about it, to those of you who have experienced a loss or cannot get pregnant. Talk about it, don't keep it all in because that will only cause you to feel even worse. 

I am always available for anyone who needs to talk, remember that. 

<3

But I'm "barely" even pregnant.

  Dum, dum, dummmm. 

Being this early on in my pregnancy, I didn't think flying would be so uncomfortable. Boy, was I wrong. 

It all started when I knew I should of gone to sleep early last night, but didn't because the husband wanted some brownies. Well, 4 hours of sleep went by all too quickly. My alarm went off at 3:25am and I had to fight myself to get out of bed, immediately I thought to myself "well I'll definitely sleep on the plane!" W R O N G. 

  I got ready to go and we headed out, within 15 minutes of being on our way there it is again, the overwhelming feeling of hunger hit me hard. Soooo we stopped for food! This made my tummy very happy. Then of course I took my prenatal, which is so big it almost made me throw up in the car. 

     A little bit if nausea hit this morning so I was hoping for smooth flights. We get to the airport and I check in, they were kind enough to allow Pablo to wait with me at my gate. We hung out, said our see you laters (because I'll be in florida for a month) and I was boarding my first flight. Seeing it was only a 50 minute flight, how bad could it be, right? THE WORST. Terbulance the entire flight, bump after bump after bump, as ifffffff I wasn't nauseaous enough. Finally, that plane landed and I had 15 minutes to make it to my next flight. The airport was PACKED, I was walking to my gate and it hit me, I HAD TO PEE something serious. I found the closest bathroom to my gate, which was actually quite far from my gate and the line was out the door and down the hallway, I couldn't wait in that line.... I was to board my flight in 5 minutes. Ugh, I had to hold it... Which was the worst because I reallllllllly had to pee. 

    Anyway, everyone is on the plane and we're waiting and waiting and waiting...... 20 minutes later the captain comes on the radio saying a staff member was sick, and we were waiting for a new one to replace them..... Another 20 minutes goes by and he finally arrives, the entire place actually started clapping..... Mind you, we all just sat on a non-moving plane for 40 minutes with an insane amount of screaming children. 

    We finally took off, and I feel time is going to slow. I can't get comfortable for the life of me and a group of four 7 year olds, and 5 teens are next to me and they are unbelievably loud and quite rude. I've heard things like "do that and I'll punch you in the mouth" and "damn it!" Come out of the little ones mouth already. 

   Lawddddd knows I just want to land already, this travel day has been the travel day from hell. 

 Why does California have to be so far away from florida again? 

Why have we not found a faster way of traveling yet? 

On another note, I have been to the doctor twice already. My pregnancy was confirmed by the doctor the day after I took an at home test, and yesterday I went to do a mountain of paperwork, walk though how my appointments will work, another pee tests, and an insane amount of blood work! 

Everything with Baby Alvarado is good still, and we couldn't be happier. Seeing as I will be in florida for a month, I will be missing two doctors appointments so as soon as I get back we will be getting to see our little baby for the first time and we cannot wait! 

Thank you for all of your prayers, congratulations and support. I truly appreciate it. 

I feel so safe with this pregnancy, I know my pop, and Stan are watching over and protecting the little life growing inside of me. 

Now, I must get back to trying to get comfortable on this horrible plane. 

(Published 3 days after writing)