In the time that's past.

I know, I have completely been ignoring this blog. Well let me catch you guys up on what's been going on since I have announced we are having a baby! 

Since finding out I was pregnant in January, announcing it a month later in February we are happy to announce I have been experiencing a very healthy pregnancy with a healthy little BOY who we have named Isaac Xavier 💙💙💙 honestly we couldn't be more excited.

Since my last post, a lot has happened. Pablo's deployment got canceled... Yes, CANCELED! 😍💙 which means he will be home with me during the entire pregnancy, he'll be there for the birth of our son and the months to come after that. Honestly, such a blessing. 

Shortly after that, we bought a house in Florida! A very nice house for whenever he does decide to get out of the military, we will have already invested in a place we can call home. 😍😍😍

Aside from that, we also received word that we are moving to Arizona.... Less than two months away from the "big move" and we haven't started packing the house yet... Oops! I'm kind of sad to be leaving 29, given we have been here for so long and this is where we started our life together... It's kind of bitter sweet. 

I guess we will see what Arizona will have in store for us! 

Honestly, all around 2015 has been a very good year for us... Saturday I am 5 months pregnant and on Monday we get an ultrasound 😍💙👶🏽🍼 totally excited to see how much our little miracle has grown.... This upcoming ultrasound is one that they we tell us how healthy he is, that he is growing appropriately, etc. I'm very very very much looking forward to that. 

I have been feeling little movements that have started to get stronger and last night Pablo got to feel Isaac kick for the very first time. It truly was a magical moment for us. 💙💙💙

We are doing very well, we are very happy and so very thankful to everyone who has and who continues to stand by us in this long journey to start our family. This is something we have wanted for what seems like forever, after two losses it is truly a miracle to be experiencing a healthy pregnancy and I am more thankful than I can even begin to describe to you. 💙💙💙 

Isaac isn't even born yet and he already brings such happiness to us.... He truly turned our darkest nights into the brightest days. 💙💙💙 

Amazing news 💕

We are so beyond happy to announce that we are pregnant, again. 💕🙏👶 we found out on January 19th, after the excitement of a positive test settled in.... Fear took over. After losing a baby only a few months ago, and a year before that, how could I not be scared. I wanted so badly to be happy, but fear was always in the back of my mind. "Is the baby okay?" "Am I going to lose this one too?" "Is the heart even beating?" My head was so full of questions. We decided we would keep this one a secret, for as long as could of course. We confirmed pregnancy with my doctor, and I changed my diet. 

I prayed every day, and every night that this baby is healthy, that this baby makes it. I ended up in the emergency room because I had some cramps that scared me, but it turned out everything was fine. The ultrasound tech even let me see the baby, and at 6 weeks and 2 days the heart was already beating. Boom, I was in love. 

Our ultrasound appointment with my doctor was scheduled for February 18th, that seemed sooooo far away. Every day, I just wondered what was going on in my tummy. Well, today is February 18th. I was filled with nerves, I tossed and turned most of the night.  

I wondered would we see a healthy baby with a strong heart beat? Would see a baby that had stopped growing? Would there even be a heart beat? I couldn't rid myself of that little ball of fear in the back of my mind. 

Going into the doctors office, hearing my name get called.... My heart was pounding. Pablo and I went back into the room, and I prayed. I prayed that the baby was healthy. 

The doctor came in, and I laid back... My heart was pounding. I looked at the screen, and then there it was. A little gummy bear, with a big head, a belly, arms and legs filled the screen... Then BOOM, "squish, squish, squish" the heart was beating! A healthy, strong beat of 170 beats per minutes. We have a healthy baby measuring exactly 8 weeks and 4 days, which is right where it should be. I cried, pablo was squeezing my hand. The doctor said everything looks great! We got four pictures and I recorded the heart beat! 

We couldn't possibly be happier, we feel SO blessed. We will continue to pray, and hopefully come September 26, baby Alvarado will bless us with his or her arrival. 

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive in this journey! 

A baby is worth trying for, forever.

So I haven't been sharing too much about our journey to start our family, since we lost our second baby in October. After losing the baby, I went into a very dark place for a while. My heart was shattered, but since then I have learned to cope a little. 

Recently we have started trying to conceive again. That decision in itself was hard to make, because the thought of losing another baby is heart wrenching. This time around, I think I have figured out what I need to sustain pregnancy, carry full term and deliver a healthy baby. 

Let me explain. 

With my last pregnancy everything was going great, my levels were perfect, the baby's heart beat was beautiful, and the baby was growing and measuring on track. I started having severe abdominal pain and that scared me, so I went to the ER... The baby was fine, it turned out I had a cyst on my left ovary.... I was told that cyst was giving off a hormone called progesterone which was sustaining my pregnancy at the time. The cyst pain slowly started to fade away, and a week later I lost the baby.... 

I truly believe that the next time I conceive, if I am prescribed progesterone that I can have a baby. I don't believe anything is wrong with my husband or myself, we can GET pregnant. I just need to be able to stay pregnant, and I truly truly believe that progesterone is the key in doing so. 

So I have been drinking water, sleeping right, eating good, and taking my prenatal vitamins daily... 

I just have a feeling our time is coming soon. Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive in our journey to start our family. Positive vibes our way as we continue to try to conceive, again. 🙏✨

Keeping up with the Alvarado's!

 Since my last post, quite a few things have happened. For starters, my husband has reenlisted for another 4 years in the Marine Corps... I am so very proud of him! With this reenlistment, comes DEPLOYMENT which is creeping up on us very fast. This time around, he's going on ship and has so many "work ups" (tranining to get done before he leaves) that we are going to have barely any time to spend together. Now, I know I know.... That's military life and I am well aware of that. I don't think that anyone is ever really ready for deployment, buuuut I guess we are as "ready" as we can be. 

Aside from not seeing my husband for 6-9 months, I'm sad that with all the work ups we will have slim to no chance of concieving.... Which is something we have to accept. Distance is temporary, and we WILL have a baby some day. It is that thought alone that keeps me going. Some day, somehow, it WILL happen.

So, with the holidays coming up I am going to Florida to be with family and pablo was supposed to be meeting me there.... BUT thanks to these work ups and last minute date changes, pablo won't be able to make it. Our family and myself are crushed... Having to spend our holidays without him, because as if him leaving for MONTHS soon isn't enough. Right? That is just another thing we have to accept, and make the best of what we've got.  

   Given we live in 29 palms, for those who don't know where that is (because nobody ever does) it's the smallest "city" of nothing in Southern California, I'll be moving to Florida for the deployment. Which all seems to be happening so fast, 

But you know what? That's just life huh? 

In all, it's going to be a rough year but I have no doubt in my mind that all of this will only make us stronger. 

Nowwww it would be a true blessing and dream come true if by some miracle we concieved in the little time we do have together, but I have learned not to get my hopes up. 

   With that being said, we will remain hopeful and make the best of the time we do have together. 

Thank you to everyone who continues to keep us in your thoughts and prayers in our journey to conceive baby Alvarado. 

<3 

As time goes by...

As the days go by, and my body is seemingly back to "normal" I am learning to understand that this wasn't my fault. I can't change what happened, so I am looking forward to what can, and will happen. I've come to realize that I don't think I am really ready to try again right away like we planned. Emotionally, I am not ready to even have a chance of going through this again. Our time will come, right now is not the right time and I'm proud of myself for being able to admit that. Good things come to those who wait. 

One day, our rainbow will come. <3 

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who checked in with us, sent their kind worlds, and truly care about us. We appreciate all of you <3 

We're not giving up. 

Grieving, finding comfort in the sky.

There is no "right" way to grieve. 

Grief is a personal experience, grief is something someone must go through in their own way. The loss of someone you love is not something you will ever get over, it is something you will get through. 

My husband and I are taking each day as it comes, I can't lie and say how we're fine.... When really, we're not. We have lost yet, another child. Although we have never got to meet our babies we love them as much as any parent who has been fortunate enough to meet their children.. They are still and will forever be our babies. Our little angels up above. We will try again soon, and keep trying until that magical day we get to bring home a healthy baby. 

For now, we find comfort in the sky. The Suns rays that warm our bodies are our angels hugging their mommy and daddy. The stars shining down are our babies smiling down at us, and the moon lighting the night sky is our babies reminding mommy and daddy that they are with us wherever we go. 

We love you both so much. 

If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

   I don't even know where to begin, I must warn you this post is going to be very detailed.... Letting it out helps me. 

Sunday night, we got home from a day at the mall... I had been slightly cramping throughout the day but I figured it was just my uturus stretching some more for the growing baby inside of it. I went to the restroom and started to bleed, it was a very small amount of blood but it was dark red which is what scared me. I freaked out, immediately my heart shattered and I yelled for Pablo. 

   

   He calmed me down, and we were on our way to the emergency room. We got there and they took us in quite quickly. My heart rate was high given my nerves were shot. First they took my blood to run some tests, then gave me a pelvic exam, which seemed promising. The doctor explained that so far, everything looked fine.... We got a little hopeful. 

   We then waited, as I received an IV for fluids. We waited some more, they then took me to ultrasound where they performed an external and and internal one. I got a horrible feeling during the ultrasounds... My gut was telling me something was wrong. 

They took me back to my room, and we waited what seemed to be the longest 20 minutes of our lives. The doctor came in and my heart was pounding, my palms were sweaty and I was shakey. He looked down, then looked at us and told us he was so sorry... That my HCG level was at 4,000 which was extremely low for 10 1/2 weeks pregnant and that my ultrasound showed the baby not measuring where it should of been. A month ago, my HCG level was at 25,744.... When I told him that, he explained to me that for it to drop that low he was sure I would miscarry within the week. I basically felt as if we were sent home to wait to lose our baby. I couldn't stop crying, and it felt so had to breathe. That night, we barely got any sleep. The next day came, and I couldn't help but feel so upset. I had no facial expressions, I just kind of sat there at watched TV, drank lots of water in hope of a miracle happening. Later that evening the cramping came back, they were pretty intense. Then the bleeding started again, and I just cried. I knew what was happening. My lower back started to hurt so bad, it was as if nothing was relieving me of pain. My stomach got really low, and was rock hard. I just cried and cried and cried. The pain got unbearable. A few hours passed, the bleeding hadn't stopped but then.... I felt pressure in my lower stomach, I went to the bathroom and started to cry, I pushed really hard and it happened, immediately after I passed everything the physical pain seemed to almost of disappeared. The cramps that had just seemed unbearable were at a minimum pain level. I passed several HUGE blood clots and in all of that also our little baby. My heart sank into my stomach. The emotional pain is so bad. I feel slightly traumatized from what I experienced last night. My hert literally hurts, and I just feel empty. 

My husband is just as heart broken and hurt as I am, but he is being the "strong one". He has been amazing through all of this and I am so thankful to have him by my side. We will get through this together. We both grew such love for this baby, we both got so attached. We can't believe this is real. We both just want to wake up from a terrible nightmare and have our baby back. 

we are filled with grief. Our second angel is now in heaven watching over us. 

My doctors are going to give me blood tests every Tuesday until my HCG level is down to zero. Then we are going to see a fertility doctor, they'll run tests and we'll figure out what's going on. They said the good news is that we can GET pregnant, we just need to be able to STAY pregnant. 

We will never lose hope, we will never forget our babies. One day, we will have a healthy baby.